Waiting.

I no longer have passion, ambition or goals. I was skeptical about my college education before enrolling but part of me still hoped that I would find some meaning, some purpose in the bound stacks of paper we call course packs, some direction from the teachers who hold promise in the eyes of the other freshman or some divine sense of spirituality in the various forms of drugs college students experiment with. 

This is not to say that I've been completely disinterested in everything college has to offer. In fact, I've spent the last four months forcing a smile onto my face and speaking in an excited tone, two octaves above normal.  I've attended lectures from supposedly influential speakers and have pretended to have been profoundly impacted by what they've had to say. 

Everyone says that I should be grateful for what I've been given and I've pretended to be, hoping that this fake façade of gratitude turns into reality. I've surrounded myself with friends who have adopted a particular façade in order to please whoever they hope to please to the extent that they can't differentiate themselves from the image they put up for the world. 

I desperately wish to be one of them but I've accepted that that isn't possible for me. I really don't know why I keep trying. Waiting for something I know will never come.