I wonder.

I've realized that I'm obsessed with suicide. I'm not suicidal or depressed (currently) but I spend hours on end just thinking about what will happen if I were to commit suicide. I imagine that I'd write a note to the world pointing out the many reasons that lead to my suicide. I'd reveal my sexuality, my religious views (or lack of rather) and maybe even attach a link to this blog. I wonder which of my friends would show up for my funeral. I wonder who would cry and who would just show up for the free biryani. I wonder what would become of my family. I wounder if my suicide would make national headlines. I wonder if my suicide would be discussed on Capital Talk. I wonder if my suicide would mark the birth of the gay rights movement in Pakistan. Then I remember that even if I were to commit suicide, I wouldn't know or care about what happens on Earth. I'd be dead. Then I wonder if it's normal to be thinking about this stuff and I realize that it isn't and once again I realize that I should really see a therapist. I don't think I have a mental illness, just a load of unresolved emotional issues. I'm frustrated. I'm a free thinker but I'm sick and tired of thinking. I just want to be happy. I'm not happy or unhappy or maybe I'm happy and unhappy. I really don't know. I don't know much at all.

I met this old friend a few days ago. He said I'd become mature, I think he's wrong. I used to think that being mature meant having your 'shit' figured out. I definitely don't have my 'shit' figured out, I don't think anyone does. Maybe the step from immaturity to maturity is to just give up trying to figure everything out. I'm not mature or immature or maybe I'm mature and immature. I really don't know. I don't know much at all.

I should really stop this pointless wondering and just be happy.