With One Foot Out of the Closet

Around two months ago, I came out to a friend of mine. Surprisingly, we weren't that close. I didn't know him too well at the time but I knew enough to know that my sexuality would not bother him. He would never judge me. 

He was complaining about how messed up his life was and how he felt that no one could relate to his problems because other people's problems seemed minute compared to his own. I argued that we all have problems, even myself. He asked me to elaborate and I did. I did not plan on coming out to him, it just sort of happened. I still don't know why I decided to tell him, maybe it was just to prove that I had greater problems then he did or maybe, I just felt ready.

Coming out to him didn't really feel like such a big deal. It felt good and after having come out to him, I came out to a whole bunch of my friends and all of them have been accepting. It was more difficult, however, to come out to myself (I know it sounds so cliche, but it's true). Even though I had my first sexual encounter at the age of fourteen, I don't think I actually accepted my sexuality till much later.

When I was younger (back when I still believed in an invisible man who watches over everything), I, like many other people, tried to 'pray the gay away.' Needless to say: It didn't work. I eventually gave up prayer altogether for reasons not related to my sexuality. I've maintained that my belief in God has always been weak and I was perhaps, destined to become an atheist. But maybe that's not true. The other day I went to the mosque for Friday prayers (Yes, I go for Friday prayers to make my mother happy) and when I raised my arms for dua, I automatically whispered 'God, please make me straight.'

I found this quite surprising. I realized that at some point in time, I actually believed that if I pray, my homosexuality would go away. Sitting in that mosque, it all came back to me. How I hated myself for such a long period of time. The day I considered committing suicide. Why? Because some invisible man in the sky didn't approve of me?

Maybe my sexuality may not have been the last straw that lead me to abandon my religious beliefs, but it certainly sowed the seeds. I couldn't be happy with myself and be religious at the same time. Some argue that Islam doesn't forbid homosexuality but to be quite frank, I don't think it matters. Just the fact that I could hold such strong views of hatred towards my own self due to my religious views is just, for lack a better word, CRAZY!

I don't want to hide in this closet anymore. I describe myself as a 'coming out of the closet whore' to my friends because I just can't stop coming out to them. Each day I come out to someone new and it's dangerous. Homosexuality is a taboo in Pakistan and if I tell the wrong people, I could get killed. I just can't stop myself. I want people to know. I want the world to know. I'm no alien, I'm not an incarnation of the devil, I'm just a homosexual. I don't want anyone to go through that period of low self esteem that I went through. The clerics can hate us all they like but they can't change us and God can't change us. I don't want to stay in this closet anymore but I know that as long as I live in this country, I can never completely be out of it. I have one foot out of the closet but the other will always remain inside.